Post North Star Bicycle Race
Well, North Star Bicycle Race happened. I lined up for 630 miles. I completed 407 before I pulled the plug. I decided to end my race early due to severe knee pain.
I don't have any internalized labels for how this race went. I did not complete it, but I don't think it is right to call it a "failure", nor do I think "failure" is bad in these contexts. I knew going in that it might be out of reach. That was the point I guess.
"I’ve always sort of lived by the phrase, 'Try something you could fail at.' We all do things that we can comfortably achieve, but rarely do we set the high bar one notch above what we think we can clear, and that’s what’s driving me on here.” Henry Worsley
If you're curious to hear some complex thoughts on Henry and that quote, give me a call or a message.
I learned a lot in this race, a lot of specific stuff to apply to future endeavours, and also a lot of internal talk about how I navigate hard efforts, the value of them, of pushing my limits. 40+ hours is a lot of time in your own head to think (I also listen to podcasts and music and such, but even so there's a LOT of thinking time!)
As for the race specifics, we lined up at 7am. I was overjoyed to see some friends from the ultra scene at the start line! And to meet some new faces in this silly little niche I love. We took off and the neutral start had some nice chatting, but when the race started for real it was tough to not pace off of the people in sight. I pushed a little harder than my planned effort, and maybe that impacted my knees and achilles, it's hard to say. I felt great about my gear, food, and water choices, and had very minimal stops on the first day, all according to plan as well! I was feeling good physically and mentally.
The day started to feel long as I neared Duluth, but then that section FLEW past, as I got to see some friends and fans, and was immensely motivated by the support of these people I love! I kept it moving through town though, so as to not be enticed by proximity to home. Into my first night I was moving well, and keeping good pace, bouncing back and forth with some other racers on similar paces but different bio needs. Even though there are only 20 of us racing, I still saw other racers more often than expected! The night proved foggy and damp, adding to the challenge, and to the mental stress of being on a highway, despite being well lit and reflective! I stopped to sleep for a few hours. 234 miles complete, above my goal distance for the day, and a knew personal distance record.
That 3 hours wasn't enough sleep, as the next day told me, and I stopped to nap on the side of the road at least 3 times. My knees hurt, but was managed. My hands, back, and bum were all in better shape than expected (ESP my back, which I threw out less than a week before the start!) That morning was hard. I slowly climbed Mt Josephine, made it to the border, and turned around. My mood also turned around. I was feeling less pain (Thank you KT Tape on the achilles!) and was feeling less sleepy. The fog was starting to lift. I was tired and knew I needed more sleep that night, so I didn't make my goal distance, but slept in the same spot, this time for 6 hours. 395 total miles down.
Friday morning, looking down the barrel of 234 more miles. I started dwelling again on thoughts of pulling the plug. That pervasive thought, it digs into your head like a worm. "Should I quit? I should quit. What could I gain by keeping going?" And it nags and nags and spirals, and if you're not careful, not tuned into reframing your thoughts, it sticks.
I'm not sure if it was the nagging thought spiral, or the actual pain of damage building up, I believe the latter. But I made sure to check myself. Never quit without sleeping or eating. I had slept more, and was still well fed and hydrated, and still wanted to call it on this physical effort. So I called my partner to pick me up.
I'm so grateful for the support I had in this race. For the friends and family cheering, for the organizer and fellow racers, for all of the gas station attendants and drivers passing safely. And for myself. I keep living by a mantra of "Do hard things with good people" and intend to keep that up. I'm grateful I had the fortitude to not push through more pain and cause more damage. My legs are still sore today, but I hiked yesterday! and walking and squatting doesn't hurt as I expected. I'll be back on the bike, enjoying the change to fall, rather than recovering from deeper damage.
I don't know if I'll sign up for NSBR again, but it is far from off the table. And I know for sure I'll keep exploring physical and mental limits.
Until then, in the words of Henry Worsley,
